I'm home. My home. In New York City. I'm surrounded by lights. In this city you are never alone.

I am not alone.

Today is my last day in the mountains. by 10pm tonite i will be back among the grit and grime that is new york city. but at this moment i feel nothing more than loneliness. at 2:06 my day usually wouldn't be over yet, i'd be in the passanger in an 18 wheeler truck along some dark highway heading "home". but not tonite. it was his day off, and he's now asleep. and while this is my last day here, the words "i'm sorry" are the only words he can find the energy to mumble between snores. i guess i should understand, but i don't know what it is that i should be understanding...we expended the same amount of energy today- zero. when he drives, i'm awake. we get about the same amount of sleep. i feel like today, should be an expection. no sleep tonite. our month of over the road bliss is cut short because i have to go back to school...and work...and subways...busy schedules...basically a life with no time for each other.

unhappy. lonely.



bill maher will keep me company tonite.

opening up

well this is only my third post but not my first blog. i've been blogging since i was in highschool...about 16 yrs old... but now i want to write more than that just my frivilous high school drama. i want to completely express the inner workings of myself. i want to write out the pain i've felt and the joys i've known. i want to hone my craft. i want to just write.

New York, NY

I 87 aka the New York State Thru-Way takes me 112 miles away from the only version of civilization I've ever really known. Now by REALLY known, I mean understood completely, knew the ins and outs of the streets, sites, where to go for my favorite food, and who made it best. I am fluent in about all accents from South African to Turkish and I don't think all Asians look alike. Westchester County was about as far Upstate as I'd been, or ever wanted to go, and now I realize Westchester really isn't Upstate. Poughkeepsie isn't even really Upstate. Neither is Albany. Albany is called the capital region and everything around it is "Central New York". While I always thought Buffalo could be nothing other than "upstate" it's considered Western New York. Upstate doesn't even stop until you're way north of the Mass. Turnpike. I'm talking, a hop skip and a jump from Vermont. So for all purposes and considerations, lets call it "Northern New York"- or as us city folk (commonly called "cidiots" by the locals up here) call it...Middle of Fucking Nowhere.

In the last month I've traveled- in a TRUCK no less- all through this. Albany is beautiful at night...but a pain to walk through...I must admit it looks great from the thruway. I still haven't grasped the concept of 15-20 miles between exits. On the LIE, there are maybe no more than 5 miles between them, but they average 2 or 3. Everything closes- except Walmart, and honestly I'd never even SEEN a Walmart until I came up here. Here's the big problem...I don't drive. Not that I don't have a car so therefore I don't drive..no I don't have my driver's license and I don't even know how to drive. Also...my tattoo'd, pierced, crazy hair colored self is in the middle of Conservative Republicania.

Where's Bill Maher when you need him?

But I will say this...I have never seen any scenery quite like this. Mountains topped with trees under 2 feet of snow..FRESH CHRISTMAS TREES! and most of all...fresh air. This place is beautiful. My boyfriend's house is on almost 2 acres of land to do whatever we please. We've made campfires, made 50 snow angels and laid out under blankets to watch the stars watch us. Everyone speaks to you on the street...The guy who makes my coffee every morning on my way to class barely grunts at me. This place is beautiful, in a way that I never thought anything could be.

There are no bright lights, no noise, no smog, and everyone waves. The simplicity of all of this isn't something thats unique to NY, but is common across "Small Town USA". The conservative values are more of a family ties thing..close knit, no change, buying locally, no casino.

No one wants their way of life to have a monkey wrench thrown into their whole world, and being pushed out of the small towns they grew up in b/c a casino will raise the cost of living with not enough jobs to keep up. Walmart has closed numerous mom and pop stores across the country, so when I think of this as a "resident" and not a "real estate investor" I understand why people have "buy local" bumber stickers on the back of thier Ford F150.

I love my city, but I'm beginning to fall in love with my state.

My First Post

It's almost 4 am and I'm sitting here watching DVR recordings of The People's Court. I'm at my boyfriend's house in the middle of the woods during my winter break. I had a pretty good day yesterday: I started a new diet and finished day one, my b/f had a day off so that meant we got to spend more time together, and I m still enjoying my time away from the dysfunction of my home with my mother. This of course was until I got the lovely e-mail from her insinuating that I should stay where I am. Oh trust me...I would stay where I am if my entire life wasn't located in New York City. I can do without the subways and the hookers and the rude cabbies and live up here for 750 dollars a month (which by the way you can't even get a room in the city for that price) amidst the deer and the inordinate amount of snow. It's too late and too much to get into all of that, but this is the most recent thing that has happened to me and my page was looking bare. Don't worry I'll have much more substance to report soon. Goodnight/Goodmorning.